Just Okay is a place for the human side of grief. 

Not the scientifically researched and validated models of grief that help us intellectually understand this response. Not the clinical experience of grief counseling, which certainly has its place and can be supportive for some. And definitely not the harmfully dismissive (not to mention annoying) experience of grief pleasantries.* 

At Just Okay, we believe grief is a process — but not a linear one. We believe that grief is inevitable — but not always logical. We believe that grief is complex — but not hopeless. 

We believe that grief is an experience many of us have struggled to put words to — but that if we come together to normalize its presence in our lives, dismantle false expectations about what it should look like, and share our own stories along with educational materials that help us show up for ourselves and others in times of loss (big or small)…that we can create a world where it’s okay to be really, truly…just okay. 

*think: everything happens for a reason; if anyone can handle this, it’s you; time heals all wounds; you’re so strong; thoughts and prayers. Eye roll.

You’ve found the right corner of the internet if…

Just Okay is built on an informed and ever-evolving perspective on grief. Here are some of the things we think are true about the grief experience, that help us define what we offer.

 

On time: Grief never ends

Time does not heal all wounds. We carry grief with us for our entire lives. It doesn’t go away — it simply becomes a part of who we are, shapes how we see the world, and defines what the rest of our lives look like. It comes and goes, sometimes surfacing suddenly, sometimes co-existing alongside joy, gratitude, excitement, and sometimes as fresh as it was at the time of the loss. 

I’ll use [my story] as an example: my husband died of cancer when I was 27 years old. I still grieve the loss. I feel grief when I have to fix something around the house by myself that he would have helped me with. I feel grief when I meet someone new I know he would have loved. I feel grief when friends of his share life updates on social media, because he won’t get to experience those life events, and we won’t get to share those life events with our community. I feel grief when I forget about him for a few days, and I feel grief when he’s all I can think about. 

You do not need to be “over it by now.”

 

On breadth: Grief is not reserved for death and divorce

We all experience grief. Some of us experience grief related to “big” events, and all of us experience grief related to “small” events. Even if your world has not been permanently altered by a significant loss, you still experience grief, and your grief isn’t “smaller” than anyone else’s.

You’ve likely experienced (and grieved) growing apart from a friend, outgrowing a friend, or having a falling out with a friend. You’ve likely grieved a vacation or trip that had to be canceled or rescheduled…or just wasn’t as fun as you hoped it would be (especially given how much it cost), or wasn’t relaxing even though you were looking forward to a break for months prior. You’ve likely grieved feeling disappointed when someone you hoped would show up for you let you down. You’ve likely grieved getting passed up for a promotion, or another opportunity you were really excited about.

It’s possible that you’ve even grieved things that didn’t actually happen, or haven’t happened yet like where you thought you’d be in your life by now (married? with kids? owning a home?), or what you thought it would be like to have a certain job, title, or income, or what your life will look like after a certain upcoming event happens. 

[Grief glossary]: Anticipatory grief is a feeling of loss before something inevitable has happened. We feel anticipatory grief when we know something is going to happen, such as a loved one being diagnosed with a terminal illness. 

 

On depth: Grief isn’t always just about the thing it’s about

Perhaps a specific event is tied to your grief experience. You will grieve that event. What most people don’t know, is that you will also grieve the implications and adjacent outcomes of that event. This is part of what makes grief so complex, encompassing, and nonlinear. 

For example: if you get divorced, you might grieve the end of your relationship. You might also grieve the friendships you lose as a result of the divorce, the way your home feels without that person’s presence, that the activities you used to do together are not enjoyable alone or with someone else, what you thought the rest of your life would look like with that person, or the things you talked about doing together (like having kids) that you won’t do with them. 

[Grief glossary]: These are called secondary losses, which are the things that occur as a result of or after the primary loss. Our body does not know the difference between primary and secondary losses: we grieve them all the same. Which means it’s completely understandable that your grief around a specific event feels so big. It is. 

 

On sharing your grief: There is no shame or blame

Sometimes we don’t want to bring up our sadness for fear of others’ reaction (or lack of reaction). And sometimes, we simply don’t want to be a burden.

I know what it feels like to dance around topics or avoid answering questions because I don’t want to get into my story, bring other people down, or suffer through untimely condolences.

Yes, sometimes it’s easier not to share. But if you do share, remember that it is not your responsibility to manage the reaction or response of anyone you share with (that’s why we’re here). 

 

On how to grieve: However the f*** you want

There is no right way to grieve. Everyone experiences, processes, and describes their grief differently — and that does not make any one person’s grief “worse” than anyone else’s. 

Maybe your grief looks like brain fog, sluggishness, and struggling to get out of bed in the morning, while someone else’s grief looks like chasing distractions such as their career, hobbies, adventures, or new relationships. Both are valid (as is everything in between).

Similarly, what feels good for you might not feel good for someone else — and vice versa. Maybe you feel comforted talking about a loved one you lost, while another person isn’t ready to share their most cherished memories of that person with anyone else.

We cannot tell someone how to grieve, and we cannot expect them to grieve in any certain way. 

 

On showing up: How to support someone else who is grieving

As you’ve probably come to understand by now, everyone’s grief is different. Which means everyone needs to be supported differently in their grief. 

Our goal at Just Okay is to make the tools needed to show up for someone who is grieving more easily accessible — whether that’s a question you can ask, a gift you can give, or an action you can take.

The best thing you can do is educate yourself on the grief experience (we have a bunch of resources inside our free community. The next best thing you can do is listen to the person who is grieving. Here are some generally good places to start: 

• “How can I best show up for you today?”
• “What is something I can take off your plate today?”
• “I’m on my way to [store] and was thinking I could pick up [items] for you. Would that be okay? I can drop them off on my way home.”
• “You can share with me…if you want.”
• “Is today a good day for me to [insert favor here].”
• “I’ve arranged for [act of service], and taken care of [these other considerations to make sure it’s not more work for you]. The next step is to get it scheduled. Does [day/time] work? Or is there a different day/time that would be better?”
• “I’m here to cry, scream, laugh, break things, or sit in silence with you whenever you’re ready.”

• “I’m not sure what to say. But I’m here.” 

It’s okay to be Just Okay

Grief is something we will all experience in our lifetime. So why is it that we feel so alone in times of loss?

Our hope: that we can end the silent suffering associated with grief. 

We envision a world in which someone asks, how are you? And is prepared for any answer.  

When we’re grieving, it can feel like no one understands (but everyone is willing to give their opinion of how you’re doing, what you should be doing, or why you aren’t doing what you could be doing).

Let’s normalize grief, learn how to navigate its twists and turns, and sit in the grief experience (without getting stuck in the pity party).